Porcelain Fists
by Winter-sama
Summary: SPOILERS FOR 3X13.  In a way, my thoughts on the possibilities for the episode as a whole, rather than just the now quite infamous photo.  What happens if, after all they've been through, closure remains as elusive as ever?


**Disclaimer: They don't belong to me – I'm just playing with them for a bit.**

**Song lyrics belong to Ingrid Michaelson.**

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Porcelain Fists**

_"Follow your heart", he said, "your heart will take you there."_

She listened to the piano melody as it wove its story in her living room, staring out the window at the rainy streets below, a glass of wine in her hand.

_"Swallow your pride", he said, "for pride is anything but rare."_

'What if my pride is all I have left?' she mused, thinking back on her day with Castle at the precinct. They hadn't talked about _it_ since the failed stake-out.

That kiss.

The one that, to her mind at least, may have cost them her mother's killer. At least that's what she told herself.

_So I walked into your eyes without a raincoat on, and in the salty sea, I find you're all but gone._

Rationally, she knew. She knew that she had lost her mother's killer long before that moment. And when she was being truly honest with herself, she could almost acknowledge that she owed Castle not only her life, but her sanity. If he hadn't done what he had done, she would likely have gone right back down that rabbit hole. She knew it. He knew it, too.

_Take my hand, you're treading water. I feel sand slipping away from underneath my toes. Nobody knows, where is it she goes?_

When they had gotten back to the precinct, it was all she could do not to lose her composure in front of everyone. It was one thing to lose it in front of Castle, who had already seen her at her worst – it was entirely another thing for her to lose her sense of professionalism in an environment where she had worked so hard to cultivate it.

It was then, not for the first time since he had started shadowing her, that Kate Beckett was incredibly grateful to Castle for simply being present. Knowing he was there, as he always was, gave her a sense of normalcy. Knowing that even as she lashed out in anger at him in the car, he knew her well enough to know that she still needed him by her side.

_Locked in the bathroom stall, your back against the wall. Cold tiles beneath your knees,  
your body broke your fall.  
_

Eventually she was sent home to rest and pull herself together, as the Captain had not-so-elegantly put it. She remembers the fight just flowing out of her, her shoulders sagging in defeat as she grabbed her jacket and left the precinct, her head down.

Arriving at home, she made a beeline for the bathroom, intending to wash away the last few days under scalding water. It was there that she let her emotions break through for the first time. The tears and the anger, and above all, the disappointment and the guilt. She remembers the time she had asked him 'What if I let her down?"

Now she knows.

_Spitting into your own reflection gazing back  
Inside your porcelain fists, your palms begin to crack.  
_

She thinks she can hear knocking, even through her self-vituperation and self-loathing. Turning of the water, she wraps the towel around her scalded skin and heads to the door.

Opening it she's not surprised at who she sees on the other side of the door, even through her tears. Before either of them can say anything they are wrapped in each other's arms, both muttering quiet apologies and condolences.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault, you know."

"Where do we go from here?"

_Nobody knows, where is it she goes when those sad eyes close?_

They're quiet now. Staring out the window at the rainy city below. Held in each other's arms, each taking strength from the other.

Tomorrow they'll both be okay. The world will continue to turn and they will continue to give others the closure that she herself continues to be denied.

For tonight they will give and take from each other – her, allowing a few cracks in the walls that she's built around herself – him, holding all of those cracks together.

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**Let me know what you guys think. The ambiguity of the prose is deliberate, but I hope it's not too confusing. I have tried to stay away from song fics for a long time now, since I generally feel that the songs take over the stories and actually detract from them a lot of the time. Unfortunately, this song just grabbed me and wouldn't let me go until I wrote something with it – I hope I was able to give it justice while giving the story some sort of balance.**

**To my reviewers from 'Colder' – WOW – you guys are incredible! I'm completely shocked by your amazing words. Thank you :)**


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